Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer, dude.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
A Greek and an Italian were sitting down one day debating who had the superior culture.The Greek said, "We have the Parthenon."
The Italian said, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek said, "We had great Mathematicians."
The Italian said, "We had the Roman Empire," and so on and so on.
Then the Greek said: "We invented sex."
The Italian smiled and said, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
San Francisco, California
Barry Bonds had just made the last out at the bottom of the eighth inning. By coincidence, Todd Edward Adams, a Hawaiian surfer dude who had recently relocated to Santa Cruz for the gnarly waves at Maverick’s, was bumming the last beer from a new friend at the San Francisco Giants’ ballpark at the same time.
Todd was leaning back over the railing of the Arcade port walk, getting to the “bottom eighth” of a beer, when his Maui Jim* designer sunglasses slipped off the top of his head. Down they fell, landing twenty-five feet below, where a helpful bum picked them up and tried to toss them back. But it was too far! Todd called out that he was coming down to get them. His wife, Kathy, described Todd as “a passionate surfer” talented enough to turn pro. Perhaps his sense of physical prowess was his downfall.
The agile 38-year-old briefly considered the long walk down, and then came up with an alternative. He climbed over the railing, jumped to perch on a light sconce five feet below, then dropped like Tarzan to the ground, gratefully reclaiming his shades from the bum.
At least, that was the plan, and the first part, climbing the railing,went fine. The second part was more problematic. Todd missed the sconce and “came down like a pancake,” according to a startled observer a few feet from the point of impact. The crowd was shocked into silence.
Why would anyone take such a chance for a pair of shades? Todd would have been chagrined to hear the observer’s next words. “They looked cheap,” he said, apologizing, “I don’t know sunglasses brands.”
-confirmed (San Francisco Examiner, Santa Cruz Sentinal, San Jose MercuryNews)
I think everybody knows that Wesley and Jackie got married a few months ago. And that they've been fighting ever since. (Ever since they met, actually.) Here's some recent developments:
They've been living with her mother since they got married, because Jackie wouldn't live in Wesley's house because he picked it out with a previous girlfriend.
She finally agreed to move into his house recently.
After they moved, Wesley had to go to Oklahoma to sell some cows.
When he returned, Jackie had moved out, disappeared, and he has no idea where she is.
She took half of everything with her. Including two of the four kitchen chairs. Half of all his dress pants. And, in an inspired bit of malice, one sock out of every pair.
He's reportedly been going to work in mismatched socks ever since.
She says it's final, it's over, because she's sick of him working so much. I guess she never noticed how much he worked in the what, three years?, that they dated before they got married.
There, doesn't that brighten up your weekend?
Sounds like a page from the "Dictators Security Handbook" to me . . . . "
Email from my dad...
Ottawa, Canada: The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election ofPresident Bush is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal-rights activists and Unitarians crossingtheir fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay."
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," anOntario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps.The president is determined to reach out."
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.He restoreth my fears.He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of thy term,
And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. "Hasn't affected my sisters though.
Warning - this will suck you in. You'll look up and suddenly realize it's 3 a.m. and you still need to look at just one more example of extreme stupidity. It will also make you want to roll over and die, when you see who's going to be running the country when you're retired.
This new search engine has a Business Yellow Pages section that will show you a photograph of the business you look up. It's still in the early stages, so they only have photos of a few cities, but it's kind of cool.
Here's the article:
Here's the search engine - click on the icon for Yellow Pages up at the top. (It worked the first time I tried it, but they've been having server problems the last few minutes.)
Going Home Friday
Going to Work Monday
This is from a music club from BMG, but it's a concept I haven't seen before - you subscribe for $5.99 a month, and give them a list of albums you want. Each month they send you the next one on your list for the $5.99 you're paying. In addition, you can buy as many others as you want every month, for $5.99 each. (Double albums are $11.99). If you don't have anything on your list, you get charged the $5.99 per month anyway. You can cancel and reactivate at any time. If you're still buying entire albums rather than burning songs off the internet, this might be worth checking out.
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee,
and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
"Is yer Paw home?" the farmer asked.
"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the farmer, "is yer Maw here?"
"No, sir, she ain't here neither, she went into town with Paw."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"He went with Maw and Paw."
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely "I knows where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Paw."
"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer Paw. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Paw about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Paw charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the boar hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."
I have visions of Whitney Houston writhing on the ground, moaning "I am Cornholio. I need TP!"
Fans wait for Simpsons gay bombshell
Fans of Fox's groundbreaking animated comedy The Simpsons have been awaiting a bombshell this season. The show will reportedly "out" one of its characters as gay. Plenty of folks are hot and bothered by the guessing game going on, especially with online betting stop BetUS.com, which says it has taken more than 900 bets. Most bets are on Patty (Marge's sister has 4-5 odds) and Smithers (Mr Burns' way-too-faithful man-boy of a manservant has 4-1 odds). Some speculate that the Simpsons' devoutly Christian neighbour Ned Flanders may be the one who'll be outed. His odds are 15-1.
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I thought Smither's had already been outed. But maybe it's Willie the janitor? Perhaps the wee turtles knew something we didn't?