Actual letter sent to the IRS
This was an actual letter sent to the IRS after the author was
denied tax deductions on two of his children.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.
They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are
minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know
something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please
do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the
deduction. They are yours.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep
in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you
have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to
fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen
also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom
of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and
I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In
February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or
to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn
to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take
care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he
and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to
lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on
21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But
here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned
out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double
speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries
me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is
really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time
for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to
cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob (Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
denied tax deductions on two of his children.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the
three dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you.
I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.
They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are
minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know
something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please
do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the
deduction. They are yours.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant.
Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can
answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no
formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any
subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is
going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be
responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep
in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you
have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to
fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen
also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom
of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to
occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face
of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and
I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a
little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax
examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In
February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer
who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In
the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or
to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair
is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn
to deal with it.
You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of
school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take
care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he
and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of
testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your
home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls,
explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to
lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if
by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on
21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed
clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of
her remedial reading courses.
"Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the schools dropped it. But
here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of
the deduction that you are denying me! It's quite obvious that we
were terrible parents (ask the other two). She cannot speak English.
Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned
out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double
speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll
her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She
wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries
me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you
come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it
would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is
really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you
get to pick which two you will take. I prefer that you take the
youngest two, I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but
then I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time
for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the
two girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a
military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as
possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to
cover the
$395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob (Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund.)
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